New Perspective

There are days when being a parent is utterly exhausting.

I haven't had more than a 2 1/2 hour block of sleep at a time in over six months. Matthew is all congested and clingy, he's not eating well (probably because he can't breathe well). Dealing with him alone when he's like this is tiring enough. But when he wakes up cranky and whines for an hour and half, unless I'm holding him -- well it's enough to go over to the dark side.

We're on Spring Break, so the kids have been a great distraction for him, but the activity is also probably throwing off what little schedule we've managed to achieve. I can look at the week and see the things I've gotten done, big stuff too, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm exhausted. I feel it down to my core. To top it off, I look like I feel -- worn down, far from attractive, just a shell wandering around doing what needs to get done.

I can function like this for quite a while if I feel like I get some sort of reprieve. A longer nap than expected or when Matthew is in a good mood all day (he can play by himself, he's a happy little guy all day, he eats well and sleeps without much fuss going down.) I had a day like that and not so long ago that I've forgotten how energizing it can be. But it's been too long.

So, in an effort to get another nap (hopefully more than an hour) out of Matthew, I go up to nurse him. As we rock and he nods off I feel his tiny hand smoothing the outside of my shirt and then settling to rest in my cleavage; something he often does when he's eating. Then I see his tiny new-baby hair - smooth on the sides, all spiky on top and downy soft. His long, to-die-for lashes lay on his chubby little cheek. The creases that run around his wrists and the dimples in his hands. I wonder how long I'll remember these things, these little details.

I remember trying to mark how small Jack's (who I thought was our last) pinkie finger was by comparing it to my own. At the time it was only as long as the tip of my pinkie finger (from my nail to the first joint.) I remember his hand wandering along under my shirt while he nursed. I remember tracing the outside of Tom's ears when he ate, in an effort to get him to slow down. With Kallene it was just having the leisure to nurse her -- no noises to distract her, just time to enjoy it.

As I put him down, with a prayer that he sleeps, and sleeps well, I feel better. I have a better outlook for the rest of the day. I'll get some great smiles out of him, at some point and I'll enjoy watching Kallene, Tom and Jack play out in the 12+ inches of snow that fell yesterday. They were intent on building a fort, but as I glance up, there's a lot of just laying in the snow. A snowball flies through the air and running and jumping into the drifts. Whatever, I have always loved watching them play in the snow.

For today, parenting will still be exhausting, but it does have it's perks. I just have to remember I need to look for them, no matter how small they may seem to be.